Friday, August 5, 2011

Third Installment of Day One.........

My doctor had the same reaction of absolute bewilderment; he had never seen me in such a state. Thankfully my bestie, is well who she is. He had no choice but to listen to her hand over the prescription and we were out of the office in minutes. Back to the check list. The afternoon is approaching and the pickup time for our drive to Philly is nearing. The text start coming in from him:

"What time will you be home from work?"...........really I mean thank you yes I am a strong person but even I cannot handle this situation.....
"Do you want salad for dinner?"..........yes please with a side of heinous crimes would be ideal!

I looked at my bff and said am I crazy. The part I have not mentioned is the FBI had sent two agents in the morning to his work. They questioned him, he reassured them of my innocence and he confessed to them. I was in the room when the two agents called my house to inform the lead agent of the outcome. The lead agent asked if he was coming back with them for me.........the lead agent said I see....well does he want to talk to, really....okay well then you two come back we have it from here. 

Yes you are reading this correctly, he did not come back to check on me, he did not even call.......he knew I was there in "our" home with 9 agents tearing down our life and exposing his lies. 

He waited a suitable amount of time, the agents had left and my bestie was on her way. He sent a text:
B: Are you and the animals okay?
A: Yip
B: What did they take?
A: all your computers?
B: and the pc?
A: My laptop no. That was clean.
B: No my pc?
A: What pc?
B: Mine?
A: Is it true? what they are saying about  you?
B: Yes well some of it. 
A: I have to go we will talk later

That is the amount of concern for me, Moli and the cats he had. Then to assume I went to the office, to assume I would want to ever look at him again. He makes me sick to my stomach a cold heinous socio path is what he really is. But at that time I was so confused. I mean was I over reacting? I packed up and ran. I did not think about my actions. I took flight……did I just over react? Did I ruin my marriage? My bestie looks at me and says….a line that has been continuously repeated……

Honestly if you were to run down the street screaming with a butcher’s knife you still would not be over reacting……..Okay so I did not over react. Check!

Saturday, July 30, 2011

That Day continued........

I sat at my bff's dinning table with a note book she gave me. The note book to start my life again. A place to keep track of everything as it unfolded. First she made a to do list. What we had to accomplish before we could run to what was to become my new safe haven. Philadelphia.......truly is a city of brotherly and sisterly love!

We started with closing all my bank accounts and credit cards. They were extensive and the debt he racked up in my name suffocating. I am still surprised by the understanding nature of the people on the call lines at these financial instittuions. Each person, mostly women, were calming, supportive and they helped me as fast as possible to insulate myself. Blocking him out without him knowing. With each end of each call a good luck or stay strong words of advice or even I know what you are going through I have been there came through the phone. My embarrassment grew. My marriage was not what it had seemed to be. It was a lie to cover up more lies.

The check list continues. It is amazing the things you do not think about when you are in this situation. I had to act fast. I had no time to stop. All I wanted to do was curl up, go to sleep and never wake up. That was not on the check list. Tranquilizers and Lawyers were on the check list. It is incredible what you really do need in those first few hours and days. Things only a person with the same experience can think of. My bff's mother has been through a divorce. When she was informed that I and my pug were being brought down to Philly for the weekend her first comments were that girl needs a lawyer and tranquilizers. She volunteered to procure a lawyer and my bestie had score the tranquilizers.

I have never and nor has my bff gone to a doctor's office asking for a prescription for tranquilizers. We made an appointment with my GP and rode the subway uptown. The first time I had nothing to do, no calls to make no dog to console........just sit there. I had not noticed but the tears had been streaming down my face the entire morning. A continuous stream of tears. My bestie points out the humor of the situation. I am, yes me, sitting on the subway in a questionable ensemble, no bra, no make up, my hair is not coiffed and I am crying. That is an image she nor I ever would have expected to see. Me broken! Those who know me, will understand this. I am notorious for always having a perfectly pulled together exterior. No matter what is going on at home to the world outside I was always great. Let me rephrase: I WAS notorious for always having a perfectly pulled together exterior.

That now has changed. I have let down those walls of perceived perfection, I have been exposed, I have come to accept me. I cry in front of my friends, I cry in public, I wear my glasses and no make up to run errands. I am just me. Raw, rough, exposed, delicate, broken.......just me.

Friday, July 22, 2011

This Time Last Year........

I had a back pack filled with a questionable assortment of clothes, and all of Moli's belongings and I walked out! Yes it has taken me a year to return to blogging, it has been a year and half to say the least. But now it is time to blog again. My core values are the same but my belief system and trust shattered! Let me go back to that morning last July 22 it was a Thursday at 6am. A hot New York summers day. Not nearly as hot as today. Moli and I slept soundly in our life as we knew it to be awoken by nine FBI agents with guns at the ready. Searching my entire apartment for the suspect I was allegedly harboring.

My first reaction was to defend my family, my husband my citizenship, my love for this country, I work for this country. It had to have been mistaken identity. The name Brian Jones is common enough......he served this country in uniform, I have pictures and meddles to prove it. Nothing stopped their methodical moves. Setting up a command station on my dinning room table. Removing all the art from the walls, all the books from the shelves, all the dvds my entire life was being stripped to nothing but a pile of belongings that were taking on a new meaning. I was moved from room to room as they moved opposite me. I was always held by a female FBI agent. I did not know what to do, how to react. Some of the agents were very pleasant and looked on me with pity and the knowing of sorrow my life was about to endure. Two others treated me like the scum that would commit these heinous crimes. And here enters the word that I had never used in my life before until that morning and the months to follow. Heinous! Heinous Heinous! I offered the agents tea or water they refused I tried to feed Moli, but she was distraught as I. Then the story comes out, the truth and the evidence about who and what my husband is a heinous criminal........

All I see is a flood of confusion, concern for the victims, fear, and guilt.....I proceed to apologize profusely for his actions, and that I had no idea this was going on in my safe haven. The lead agent tried to calm me, explaining he knows clearly that I am innocent absolutely innocent. The female agent gives me her direct cell as she is very concerned about my well being. The tears would not stop, the shaking would not stop, the apologizing would not stop, the guilt would not stop, the need to violently throw up would not stop. The lead agent sits me down and says listen to me carefully very carefully, as the FBI I am not allowed to get involved in your marriage that is between you and your husband. But you should not be here when he comes home. He will have more lies to cover the lies and try and convince you of his mistakes were innocent. You should not be here you should not stay, but it is your life and your marriage. We are so sorry to put you through this we are sorry for ruining your marriage.

The agent continued talking slowly and methodically with a strong hand on my shoulder trying to give me the strength to act. He insisted I call a family member in the area to come get me. They were not going to leave until I was safe.

I have no family in New York, I am an immigrant, i was building my family. I do have a best friend is more than family to me. I have no idea how to ask her for help. I have never asked for help before, I have always survived on my own. But I called, I called her and without asking she came to my rescue.

By 1030 am this time last year Moli and I had moved into my besties home, she had created a list of things we had to accomplish before he realized I was gone. The lies kept unfolding and the damage he had done was extensive. Little Bit sat by my feet and Moli on my lap while I took every precaution to insulate myself and Moli from any further financial harm. The other harms were already done.

It was clear I could never ever go back. Once the FBI left that morning everything was a blur. My bff reminds me that the first things I said to her when I opened the door was I cannot stay with him. I do not remember this but it is the best statement I have ever made.

This blog has taken a turn from powerful sassy ladies to the raw emotion of life being shook to its core. The powerful and the sassy always return. The details, lessons, trials, and decisions will unfold from here on. This is the beginning of a new life, my new life.