Saturday, July 30, 2011

That Day continued........

I sat at my bff's dinning table with a note book she gave me. The note book to start my life again. A place to keep track of everything as it unfolded. First she made a to do list. What we had to accomplish before we could run to what was to become my new safe haven. Philadelphia.......truly is a city of brotherly and sisterly love!

We started with closing all my bank accounts and credit cards. They were extensive and the debt he racked up in my name suffocating. I am still surprised by the understanding nature of the people on the call lines at these financial instittuions. Each person, mostly women, were calming, supportive and they helped me as fast as possible to insulate myself. Blocking him out without him knowing. With each end of each call a good luck or stay strong words of advice or even I know what you are going through I have been there came through the phone. My embarrassment grew. My marriage was not what it had seemed to be. It was a lie to cover up more lies.

The check list continues. It is amazing the things you do not think about when you are in this situation. I had to act fast. I had no time to stop. All I wanted to do was curl up, go to sleep and never wake up. That was not on the check list. Tranquilizers and Lawyers were on the check list. It is incredible what you really do need in those first few hours and days. Things only a person with the same experience can think of. My bff's mother has been through a divorce. When she was informed that I and my pug were being brought down to Philly for the weekend her first comments were that girl needs a lawyer and tranquilizers. She volunteered to procure a lawyer and my bestie had score the tranquilizers.

I have never and nor has my bff gone to a doctor's office asking for a prescription for tranquilizers. We made an appointment with my GP and rode the subway uptown. The first time I had nothing to do, no calls to make no dog to console........just sit there. I had not noticed but the tears had been streaming down my face the entire morning. A continuous stream of tears. My bestie points out the humor of the situation. I am, yes me, sitting on the subway in a questionable ensemble, no bra, no make up, my hair is not coiffed and I am crying. That is an image she nor I ever would have expected to see. Me broken! Those who know me, will understand this. I am notorious for always having a perfectly pulled together exterior. No matter what is going on at home to the world outside I was always great. Let me rephrase: I WAS notorious for always having a perfectly pulled together exterior.

That now has changed. I have let down those walls of perceived perfection, I have been exposed, I have come to accept me. I cry in front of my friends, I cry in public, I wear my glasses and no make up to run errands. I am just me. Raw, rough, exposed, delicate, broken.......just me.

1 comment:

  1. i love that i'm the dealer & frannie's the pusher. what a pair.